I finally had time to journal a bit yesterday. I chose to reflect on the “Courage” element on my Vision Board. My thoughts started out positive as I thought of all of the areas of my life where God has taken my little bursts of courage and done amazing things. But as I pointed out the different areas, I became a bit angry. Lately, I’ve been a bit discouraged – with my career, direction on The Cave Place, church, and community. I took huge risks in each of those areas this year, and although I know I have come to greater understanding and peace about all of these areas, the lack of answers took over. This lack of “pay off” in making courageous decisions, sticking to my convictions and continuing to exert myself socially, overpowered any strides I had made. But instead of shutting them down, I felt the tug to go with these feelings, write in to them and just be honest with God. It opened up a can of worms about jobs and career specifically, so here is a bit of that:
“I just don’t feel like I’m good at anything specific. Help me. Show me. I’ve been keeping your promise of a job close to my heart. The promise of a job that helps others, sustains me, brings me independence and community and that hope is what I use to combat fears. But it’s hard to not second-guess that at times because practically, all of my searching only returns experienced director positions or un-paid internships. I know I will look back on this and laugh at myself for worrying. But I honestly don’t know even what to look for right now and sometimes I feel cheated. I took the time to go back to school and I feel like I’m in the same place- without the skills I want. Do I need to practice? Or is it a waste of time? Am I just not good at those technical and specific skills? Why do I feel so alive when creating things that help people when the avenues to do so are either stressful or not financially sustaining? The promise seems to defy logic and rationality and I’ve been trusting that You will bridge that gap…That’s the whole reason for networking – for people to know me – trust me & then take a chance on me. But everyone I meet is in the same boat – unable to hire or looking for something new themselves. Lord, I just feel it’s better to admit when I’m angry.”
I’m glad I got this all out in writing. To admit it to myself and talk to God about it. We chatted for a bit after I wrote this and I felt Him telling me to remember the times where things have taken longer than I expected or worked themselves out in a different way than I expected. To take those times of joy when a promise has been fulfilled and replay them in my heart. That He understands my frustration, but that bitterness has no place in His plans for me.