“I am awake and the air is pulsating
I am awake, as it gathers, see it growing
I’m in doubt, here it comes, am I ready?
Am I ready?
See the tempest looking my way
Drain the skies of all their color
And I need eye to eye
With a fire in my breast
Je suis pret
I am ready, I am ready”
This song makes me nervous. It should just make me excited because I know it’s true. There’s something coming. But not knowing the particulars or the when or what are continuing to take their toll. I look back on Instagram posts and I know I’ve been saying the same thing for an entire year. That’s not very comforting. I know that God holds my future but I worry I’m expecting too much. Not that God isn’t good or wants amazing things for me. But that my mind has been corrupted to think that life works in a way that it doesn’t. I can identify some of those lies and the exact authors of them. But other lies are floating about and they take root because I’m exhausted. Sometimes I want to just settle. But it’s impossible to do that because every once in a while I get this day where I feel completely alive. I can’t un-feel that. I want that to become my normal.
These tangled feelings get overwhelming on days like today when my soul feels on fire. Like I’m legitimately angry. It’s gotten more intense lately. I worry it’s not just righteous anger. Is it anxiety? Am I getting worked up over nothing? Judging those who judge others is just as bad, right? Am I being too dramatic? Am I naive to think that anything can change? My mind flips through these thoughts like it’s shuffling a deck of cards. Never staying on one for too long until I stop them and choose to trust myself. Because time and time again God confirms my passions and my experiences through conversations with others.
I guess I shouldn’t have prayed for God to break my heart for what breaks His, unless I was willing to feel the ache before I knew what He wanted me to do about it. I shouldn’t have prayed for Him to use me unless I was willing to feel unfocused passion for a bit. I wish I could turn off these feelings. I wish I could stop paying attention to the parts of the city and the issues and the people that make me feel alive. But I can’t. Because God made me this sensitive for a reason that He’s revealing at a much slower rate than I would prefer. But His timing is perfect, He only gives perfect gifts and I truly believe that about 80% of the time. All I can do is to keep engaging with those soul-igniting things by spending time with the people who get me, seeking out others to learn from, following up on the quietest of whispers from God, and fighting the urges to retreat and sleep. So today, that looks like: 1. getting these feelings out and allowing tears to come. 2. getting in the car before I take a nap. 3. Driving to LA today (and several times this week) to be in community.
P.S. For those of you who are wondering: yes, I’m okay. In some strange way…I’ve never been better.